I wake up Monday morning to noise – the arguments have already begun,

“That’s my shirt!”

“I want the blue plate!”

“Mom, (insert any one of my children’s names here) hit me!”

I roll out of bed – I was totally going to get up early today and get a head start on . . . something.  Housework, laundry, maybe even throw some exercise in there (well, let’s not get too carried away). 

I look ahead at the day that lies before me and I’m already tired . . . I look ahead at the week and I’m exhausted! 

I brush hair, pack lunches, review spelling words and gather overdue library books.  Then there’s the checklist:

“Have you brushed your teeth?”

“Have you practiced the piano?”

“Are you wearing clean underwear?”  The number of times I have to send a child back upstairs following this question is unsettling.  It really should go without saying, right?

We say a hurried family prayer and then I send my kids out the door running to catch the bus.  Sometimes it’s on a happy note.  Sometimes there are tears. 

“I wanted to take the soccer ball to school!”

“You were supposed to sign my permission slip!”

“Why didn’t you make muffins today, you promised you’d make muffins!”

Now obviously not every Monday morning looks exactly like this . . . though if I’m being completely honest – it is uncannily close to my daily reality.  And so, it is often following these moments of chaos and disarray that a wave of nostalgia comes to carry me away to a happy place. 

A far away place

A quieter place

A place that is so very different from where I currently am. 

I go back to a fun and carefree time – the young and single life 

I picture myself getting ready in the upstairs bathroom at my parent’s house.  Going on a date, going to a dance, going out with friends – I was going somewhere, and it was going to be fun!  My jeans were flared, I had butterfly clips in my hair and my favorite CD’s were loaded into the 6-disc changer my little red Mazda Protégé was sporting.    

It surprises me now how low my standards have fallen in terms of what I am willing to look like before leaving the house.  My dry-shampooed hair is in a two day old messy bun, I’m rocking my comfiest sweat pants and the diaper bag I lug around has a rotting apple core somewhere in the bottom that I completely forgot about.  Now I get excited when my husband wants to come with me to Costco – grocery shopping and a date . . . sweet!  Two birds, one stone!

I go back to a spiritually fulfilling time – the missionary life 

I was so focused, so driven and so excited about sharing the gospel.  I studied my scriptures daily and experienced exponential growth in my faith and testimony.  I served others and learned to look for the daily miracles around me.  I felt like I was doing something of value.    

I am so scattered now I find myself counting the number of children in my mini van to make sure I have everyone before leaving the house, or worse, before leaving the store.  I want to do and be so much more.  I create such high and unreasonable expectations for myself that I end up feeling discouraged and disappointed at the end of the day.  I know everything I should be doing, and yet I still struggle.  Why is it a challenge for me to just pray and read my scriptures daily like a grown up?  I say that because although my husband and I strive to pray and read the scriptures with our children each day . . . the scene can often resemble the deck of the titanic.  There’s a lot of commotion and screaming and in spite our best efforts to create peace – the ship just keeps sinking. 

I go back to a time before children – the newlywed life 

Life seemed so much simpler then!  We ate dinner in the living room while watching our favorite TV shows.  We went on dates and the house stayed clean.  Dinner for two, laundry for two  – no problem.  We did everything together and I’m pretty sure we were fun back then.  My income was bigger and my waistline was smaller. 

Now my life can easily be summed up in a meme I saw on Facebook, “my housekeeping style is best described as ‘there appears to have been a struggle!’” I’m not clear on the science behind it, but the harder I work, the messier our home actually gets.  My laundry sorting room (aka the hallway) looks like the bedroom floor of Cinderella’s stepsister’s  – you could literally swim in it.  And speaking of swimming, do you want to know how many times I have scooped poo with my bare hands out of the bathtub?  I feel like being my kids chauffeur alone is a full time job and the amount of food on my floor after dinner could feed a small nation.  Our expenses are high and my stress is higher. 

So here is the thing – sometimes I have moments where I want to go back.  I find myself wishing and wanting the comforts and ease of the past.  I find myself repeating longing phrases like,

“I was so much skinnier before I had kids”

“I used to have so much more time on my hands”

“It was so much easier to keep the house clean back then.”

Sometimes I want to go back to the “good old days”.  Back to my old ways and my old life before children and marriage.  Before things got hard – the things that made me better, the things that made me stronger.  I don’t actually want to go back in time . . . but instead of facing the challenges of today, I turn to the comforts of yesterday. 

We have been studying the Old Testament this year as a family and I have been thinking a lot about the children of Israel.  As we read about their 40-year “adventure” in the wilderness, I was struck by the many similarities I see between myself and them.  It is amazing to me how many times they lamented leaving Egypt and even wished they could go back. 

Every time something was hard

Every time their faith was tested

Every time their circumstances seemed bleak

They complained about their current situation and instead of looking forward with faith, they looked back with regret.  They seemed to forget the countless times the Lord had delivered them, blessed them, guided them and protected them.  They also seemed to forget the fact that they had been slaves for 400 years and that Egypt probably wasn’t quite as great as they remembered.  There is nothing for them in Egypt, but every time they are afraid to move forward, it just seems easier to turn back. 

We often view the past through a pair of rose colored glasses and that “grass is greener” mentality can rob us of the joy of today. 

There is nothing for me in the Egypts of my past.  All that I have and all that I am are a sum of the experiences the Lord has given me throughout my life.  He has delivered me, blessed me, guided me and protected me. 

President Russel M. Nelson taught us that the Hebraic meaning of the word Israel is “let God prevail”.  Did the children of Israel do just that?  Do I?  He went on to add that “it takes both faith and courage to let God prevail” but promised as we do, the Lord will fight our battles.  The Lord certainly fought battles for the Children of Israel, and he fights them for me today. 

So, the next time I find myself in the thick of a “manic Monday”, what am I going to do? 

Will I retreat to my “land of Egypt” – familiar and safe

Or will I fight for my “land of Canaan” – full of promise and potential

Will I let God prevail in my life?

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”